I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
