I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
