i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Randomize
