i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
