so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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