CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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