PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
