so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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