My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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