i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
