marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
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