; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
My liver is preforming stress tests.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
