My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
