omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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