I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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