i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
