The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
