I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
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