The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I understand Curling. That high.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
