He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
