I wish I could punch you in the face.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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