Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
