It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
why is half of my head shaved?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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