he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
