I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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