my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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