I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
