I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
