New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
