My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize