When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
