The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
