I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
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