Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
