3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
