On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
