need another drink. this is the easiest way
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
