Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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