Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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