I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
