i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
