I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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