Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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