He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
