I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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