he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I can't put those talents on a resume
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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