i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
