my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
