Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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