Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
