This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
