I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
