beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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