Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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