So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
