Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize