did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
