Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
