so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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