My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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