Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I have fence marks all over my body
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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