Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
