She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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